I'm nearing the end. Of what, you ask? My rope? My sanity? My wait? Oh, I get to the end of my rope now and then and my sanity is debatable on any given day, depending on your definition of the word, I guess. But what I am talking about here is the end of 'the wait.' I have no idea when it will end and you may see a post in the future that looks back at this post in rage that I thought I was actually near the end when I was not. It's almost two years now and people waiting this long through my agency have received referrals. Let's just all agree that the time is coming when we will receive a referral.
How would I describe my feelings these days? Angsty. I am hesitant to draw analogies to my pregnancy with my son, but there are similar parallels that are unmistakeable. I did quite a lot of medical stuff to get pregnant with my son. An IVF is time-intensive and not easy on the body or mind. I went through the pregnancy and I was, to say the least, hypervigilant. As I neared the end, two weeks before my due date, the perinatologist (I went to him because I had a huge cyst on my ovary when I was first pregnant and I also had advanced maternal age yeeeee!) told me that my amniotic fluid was getting low. I became obsessed with worry about the low fluid.
A few days later I went to my regular OBGYN for an appointment. I was on pins and needles, I was a wreck. Pete went into the exam room with me and as we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in, I began to sob. I mean, really sob. Pete didn't understand. We hadn't even seen the doctor yet and here I am sobbing like some kind of woman at the end of her rope, the end of her sanity. Through my tears and gulps of air, I told him that I was SO worried, that the worry had gotten the best of me.
My doctor came in and I straightened up (somewhat) and she decided to send me over to the hospital for another ultrasound and if the fluid was lower, then I would be induced. It was lower, I was induced. The baby was born and that overwhelming worry of getting him out safely was replaced by one worry after another. Up until this very day, it has truly just been one long string of worries because that's part of motherhood. But nothing compares to the overwhelming, crushing worry I had about him right before I met him, before I saw his face. When I look at the healthy strong amazing six year old boy who lives in my house, I know I was right to worry. He is so worthy of being cared for and worried over just that much. That emotion did not help me, it did not really hurt me, it just was there.
It's tense. It's like being on a very thin wire. It makes your joints ache.
For me, baby sister, in my mind, is in a between place. I think of her now, I worry. What has happened? Where are you now? This between place is uncomfortable. I keep a wall up about it in my mind. That tense feeling, being on that thin wire, it's a familiar worry. To bring you safely home, until then, I imagine, it will be a long worry.
13 comments:
Oh gosh. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I think in this instance it is what it is. Several months ago, I felt this crushing sense of aloneness. It was hitting me, for the first time as a mom, that being a mom is a singular job that only I can do for my kids. The deep emotional well I have to maintain and draw on at will - the pain and confusion in my kids that often only I can see - this is my job alone. Not to dis my husband, he's a darn good father, but I finally FINALLY acutely understood what it means to be a mom. I'm not a worrier, but anticipation and anxiety can make me shake from the inside.
Ugh. That time right before. I know it. Hugs hon. Hugs and hugs and hugs.
Praying it will be soon...and baby girl will know again a mother's love and the worry that goes hand and hand with it! Know that we are thinking and praying for you all.
blessings,
Heather
Is there room on that wire for a companion? I am with you. So.very.with.you.
I have always been a worrier. Pre and post-kids, though now I scoff a little at my "pre-kids" worrying. We're 10 weeks home with our kids and the stress and worry that come with parenting is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Nothing could have prepared me for it. Nothing.
Part of the reason we adopted is because I miscarried before I had my successful pregnancy with PJ. Because of the miscarriage I hated almost every minute of being pregnant. All of the visions I held for myself as a glowing pregnant woman were buried beneath a level of stress I didn't know I could live with. I am so sorry you are feeling this way with your adoption. Yuck. So sorry.
Really, so sorry.
The moments before, I can say for me were the very worst. I wish I could pull you through them to the other side.
I'm here any time.
Hugs.
Oh, man - I am SO with you. I am sort of strangely glad to hear you say that your joints ache, because I am also there with tension and anxiety and stress and so on - my body hurts. I am so tightly wound. I have not been through a successful pregnancy but I have been equating this stretch to a seemingly interminable two week wait. We did everything we needed to do and now we wait to see if it works. I feel a bit crazy for still using the word "if" - because at this point my head knows that it's "when," not "if," but my wounded heart is still in "if" mode - but it's the way I feel, and I suppose it's to be somewhat expected.
Hang in there. You are getting close. You have to be! But it's okay to feel all sorts of crazy throughout this phase. At least that's what I'm telling myself. :)
It may be a thin wire, but you have walked across it and are almost at the end. The freakish anxiety that you may still fall is there, but so is the peace that you have come so far, my friend! I know how close you are and am waiting to hear all about baby girl. xoxo
Just here to say I love you. And I know you are fine, but it is an exhausting fine. I'm here whenever you need me. xoxo
fwiw, I'm STILL praying daily for you. And will continue. Not that that helps, actually. But it's all I got.
I too, can be laid out with worry. Over different things. And, as you know, when you are at this point, of teetering at the end of that wire....you think "if it could just be DONE" then it will all be so much better. And yes,......but as you know, that worry will be replaced with others. As it goes.
But the trick is to find a way to remember the moment, THIS moment, the one with the smeared jelly after school and the chickens needs a coop cleaning and be present to t hat too. Because life has a funny of still cruising along, worry or not. So, don't miss it. Even the tiny moments, don't miss 'em. They might be just what saves you as you hang on that wire.
much love. M
Ack, what a post. I know that thin wire.
Darkest before the dawn and all those other not so helpful platitudes coming your way.
You are in Liminal State! Do you want to borrow my T-shirt? (I am deadly serious. I will send it to you).
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