Interview Project: Meet Monika

I took part in the interview project, but have been dismally remiss in getting it done on time. Went out of town to my husband's marathon in Philly and I got sick while there. Philadelphia appears to be a lovely city, but I didn't see much. I slept through much of the weekend whilst my kid jumped across our hotel room from bed to bed. Yeah, just couldn't make the most out of that trip. Here, however, is my interview with Monika from Monika's Musings. She is, in her own words, "a birthmom of a beautiful and amazing girl named Mackenzie (born November 10, 2009). Mackenzie isn't her real name, but ya never know who reads these things. She lives with her parents near Portland, OR. I'm absolutely and totally in love with my man, Nick (and he'll most likely be a frequent "character" in my blog). We currently live just south of Tacoma, WA. I love to craft, hang with friends, cook, dance, read, and listen to music."

Me: Was your daughter born full-term? How did it happen that you didn't realize you were pregnant?

Monika: My daughter was about 36 weeks when she was taken via emergency c-section due to my blood pressure being so high it was causing seizures. The emergency room staff didn't even know I was pregnant. What I gathered afterward was that they wanted to do a test on my head that required them to know whether I was pregnant or not. They did the test, found out I was pregnant, and then did an ultrasound to estimate my daughter's gestational age. My boyfriend (and the birth father) was deployed at the time, and we'd always used protection correctly. Goes to show you that the numbers on the boxes aren't quite right, or just says that we were the 1% that didn't work. I was sick the whole time I was pregnant, but as a diabetic (for a long time previous - I was diagnosed in October of '94), I attributed it to my messing around with my medications a bit. It hadn't been uncommon for me in the past to miss many months of periods, so I didn't even count how long it had been since I'd had my last one. Voila! My daughter.

Me: Why did you start blogging? What keeps you going?

Monika:I started blogging initially because some of my birthmom friends were doing it. It didn't start out as adoption-focused as it now is, and there may be some point in the future where it becomes less adoption-focused again. Some people use their blogs for therapy for themselves. I think I use mine for more educating people on what a birth mother really is, and to get my opinions out there in an appropriate manner. I tend to be very outspoken about things about which I'm passionate, and adoption education happens to be one of those things. What keeps me going? I love to write. It's as simple as that. Growing up, I never thought of myself as a writer, but now I'm finding that I'm fairly decent at it and I really enjoy doing it. Plus, now being on the "member roll" of the Open Adoption Bloggers, I feel motivated to keep my blog fairly up to date.

Me: What are your favorite kinds of blogs to read?

Monika: My favorite kinds of blogs to read are definitely blogs of adoptive parents. I love to hear the "other side" of adoption and to see the different ways open adoptions can work. We're all rather pioneers in this whole "industry," so to speak, and I enjoy seeing all points of view. I have some favorite blogs on the birth mother side of the triad, but I tend to not want to read a lot of those because the whining that naturally happens due to grief can very easily turn into hatred of adoption as a whole. While I believe that there are some negative experiences out there, I have a hard time reading and supporting those that make judgments of adoption as a whole based upon a few solitary experiences.

Me: Have you ever had any comments that hurt or bothered you on your blog?

Monika: My blog readers have always been extremely supportive in the comments they've left. I've had some comments that have disagreed with my point of view, but that's not hurt or bothered me because they've been respectful. I enjoy hearing other people's points of view on the subjects about which I write because I realize that my point of view may not be the only one out there. I've been very fortunate to have supportive blog followers. I love getting comments on my blogs!

Me: What is the hardest part of open adoption?

Monika: The hardest part of open adoption for me would definitely be the fear that it might all disappear someday. I know enough birth mothers at this point to have seen some previously open adoptions become closed, and it not only breaks my heart for the birth mothers affected, but I've also seen through their eyes how it affects the children they placed. I'm fortunate enough to have been able to confess my fears to my daughter's parents and realized in doing so that they have some of the same fears of us disappearing someday, especially when their daughter (now just barely 2) gets old enough to realize what she's missing if we disappear.

Me: Do you read adult adoptee blogs at all?

Monika: I've read some, but haven't come across many. One of my birth mother friends is actually an adult adoptee from a very unfortunate situation. Both her birth parents and her adoptive parents were abusive to her in different ways. It makes me very sad to see that, especially when I know SO many great people out there that are struggling to either have kids biologically or hoping to adopt. Anyway, the adult adoptee blogs that I've read seem to have all come from very negative situations. They love their parents, but having been raised in times where there was no speaking of their birth families, they've had a lot of questions, confusion, and emotions that have never even been approached. I think that open adoption can actually solve a lot of those issues as a whole. I find myself thinking "if only" a lot when I read adult adoptee blogs.

Me: Did you get to choose your daughter's name? Did they keep it?

Monika: I purposely did not choose my daughter's name, so therefore they didn't keep it when they adopted. Due to my physical state at the time of her birth, the staff at the hospital was uncertain whether I was capable of making an adoption decision, so they put her into foster care. I imagine her foster family probably called her something besides "baby girl Zimmerman," but because I was so firm right from the start that I felt unable to parent and therefore wanted to place her with an adoptive family, I realized that they'd probably change her name anyway. I call her "Mackenzie" on my blog, which is probably what I would have named her had I chosen to parent.

Me: What is the best part of open adoption?

Monika: The best part of open adoption for me is definitely the relationship that I have with my daughter's parents, particularly her mother. Through my weekly (approximately) emails, I get to watch my daughter grow through her eyes and get verified on a consistent basis that my daughter is loved by her whole family and cared for physically as well as emotionally. I think at its core, that's what any birth mother wants is to know that her child is being loved like she loves her child even though she's not raising him or her.

Me: Do you hope to have another child one day?

Monika: At 36 now (I was 34 when my daughter was born), I'm thinking physically it just wouldn't be a good idea, either for the baby or for me (especially with my diabetes in consideration). Though I love children and especially my daughter, raising children was something I never wanted to do. The parenting urge is strong now, I'll admit. I think if I were to change my mind and want to raise children of my own at some point, I'd adopt from foster care. There are so many children in the system that need stable, loving, permanent families!

Me: Have your relationships with people changed due to your decision to have an open adoption for your daughter?

Monika: I've been very fortunate to have supportive family and friends around before & after placement. I'll admit I've lost a couple of "friends" because of my decision to place and not parent, but I have to say those relationships were never high on my list of valued relationships in the first place. I will say that adoption as a whole (open, closed, or somewhere in between) has definitely changed my life and has opened up the way I view and prioritize the people in my life. It's made me a lot more appreciative of my true friends and my family.

Thank you, Monika! You really are an angel to put up with me. I adore your positive attitude and your ability to share. You have a generous and lovely heart.